Talking is essential between friends - discussion

Talking is essential between friends - discussion

So – lets go forward... Actually – I'm going forward... in hope that you can follow someday, somewhere :)

The next topic from cyberparent.com :

2)

Talking Is Essential Among Friends.

Friends equal talk.

Talking is an integral component of friendship. In any friendship, some talking is merely one person reciting his/her self- centered problems. However, talking between friends requires reciprocity. In a mutually satisfying friendship, both friends talk and both friends listen, usually to an equal degree.

When a friend talks and reveals ideas or feelings, he/she is expecting shared information in return. When the talk is not equal, the friend talking feels as if the listener is uninterested. In fact, the friend who is always the listener is really playing the role of a counselor, not that of friend. Anytime you have been talking for more than a minute or two without participation from the person you are talking to, you are lecturing, bossing, or putting your friend in the role of a counselor.

People talk for many reasons. And people don't talk for just as many reasons.

Why Talk?

People talk to extend themselves to another, to accept responsibility for the growth of the relationship, and to share ideas or feelings with someone else. Good, rich conversation is always available for friends and lovers.

Why Not Talk?

People don't talk for a variety of reasons. One person may be shy. Another may not know what to say in a particular situation such as the death of a relative. The timing may be off. A night owl may seldom talk in the morning. A friend reacting to stress may be temporarily mute. Non-talking can be used as a defense, as manipulation of another, or even as punishment. And last, but not least, talking can be a lot of work. But friendship is a lot of work as is anything worth having.

How to Talk.

Be excited. People who talk enthusiastically and with vocal animation are listened to more often by everyone.

Be Sensitive.

Be sensitive to the needs of your friend. Diffuse defensiveness by using "I" statements rather than "you" statements. Saying "I feel upset when I have to wait," is less threatening than saying "You're always late".

And when friends talk to you, show gratitude for their confidences. "Thank you for sharing that with me" is the language of friends.

Friends Talk Appropriately.

Make certain your subject is appropriate to the situation. For example, you would not disclose your exciting new promotion while your friend was telling you about her mother's terminal illness.

Other situations are not so easily read, however. Karen Blaker, Ph.D., can help you decide about appropriateness. In her book Intimate Secrets, she gives nine basic reasons to reveal a secret. They are:

* To feel connected.

* To get it off your chest.

* To be true to yourself.

* To achieve reciprocity.

* To prevent discovery.

* To spread the good word.

* To cry for help.

* To show you are in the know.

* To get revenge.

Before engaging in a confidence with a friend, compare your reason(s) with the above nine. If you are uncomfortable with your reason, your disclosure is probably inappropriate.

If your reason for confidence is for revenge or to gain power with privileged information, it is best to maintain secrecy. If telling your secret achieves intimacy, help, or change, your confidence is constructive according to Blaker.

On the other hand, repeatedly "dumping" on someone is not confiding. The person who constantly brings every conversation back to his/her troubles is actually acting selfishly. This selfishness puts a strain on the relationship and may eventually destroy it.

We all know "yes-but" people. Anytime you are getting an abundance of "yes-buts" from your friend, you are probably trying to problem solve when all he/she wants is an attentive ear.“

A.U. Discussing:

OK – this was the quote... It seems to me little bit of „manipulation“ if to use such way of thinking as described here – despite of the fact, that it's useful to know such things by relationships... The first advice is – you can be good friend only if you are good friend! That means, that you are not using your knowledge and skills to be clever and smart with your friend – you must be equal not superior. At least by means of behavior and conversation.

Let's use the knowledge from the text above – analyzing it...

1)

“ both friends talk and both friends listen, usually to an equal degree”

A.U. : - well... I think it's merely can be so “equal”, because different persons have different behavioral and conversational needs and skills. So it is true that there is need of talking and listening between good friends, but the equality rule is not so correct... to justify over friendship.

“ When the talk is not equal, the friend talking feels as if the listener is uninterested”

A.U. : - so I'm not so convinced about the statement – if by equality to read “count of words” or “amount of talk” :) It is always, that one is better listener than talker and vice versa. But anyway – you must be “a big ear” and with your minds by your friend and his/her talk – to hold conversation. And remark from previous post – it can become clear, that even if someone is not much of talker, he/she reveals by writing that is very good and emotional writer :). Don't miss the possibility!

2)

”...talking can be a lot of work. But friendship is a lot of work as is anything worth having.

”

A.U. :Talking is a lot of work – as is thinking. Especially to talk honestly and with right words and with right emotional power. It's strange, that it is always stated that it needs hard work and lot of it, if there is something you want to have... Actually – it can be different... True friendship is like self mixing of two liquids – there can be friendship between two similar as also two different persons. And friendship grows like a plant – from little seed to big and strong... Of course – it needs nutrition, but this must be natural not artificial – if it is true friendship and if the persons are honest and true and respect each other...

3)

“How to talk – be excited”

A.U. :Well... this is also somewhat strange suggestion. Does it mean, that there must be always some kind of acting-play between friends? Some kind of unnatural behaving what is not natural to you? Especially if you are gentle and balanced? So this suggestion is so and so. Be yourself – your friend knows who and how you are and he/she accepts it. Of course – if you are flames and sparkle then it's natural to you to be always excited and emotional :) so be it!

4)

“Be sensitive to the needs of your friend”

A.U. :And accept that he/she is sensitive to your needs – this is two-way path. It is not that you or your friend must alone “be sensitive to the other's needs” - you both must. If one reveals this need to other of course... This can be a big difference – don't become “sensitive” who thinks that he/she reads other's mind and acts accordingly – you must wait if your friends wants that you knows what he/she needs... from you.

5)

“reasons to reveal a secret...”

A.U. :Actually there is no comparing why and how you reveal a secret to your friend, as is also true to any other person. Secret is something what nobody, except you, can tell you that you must reveal and to whom. Sometimes it is, that some secrets are better to be and stay in your mind... If there is a phrase “there is no secrets between friends”, then we can think about this differently. If the secret is somehow linked to your friend or if you think he/she is confident to become to know about it – why not. But if you think, that the secret can be frustrating or irrelevant or somewhat strange to your friend, then why to bother him/her? OK – to get it off your chest. But is your friends mind some kind of garbage can?

So... These were my thoughts about “Talking is essential between friends”

And one more thing – from following my previous post – don't forget about writing! Same applies to it... Be cool!

Andrew.

How To Grow Friend... Start

So - time for discussion...

At first - again the text which ignites us to think today:

"Remember, friendships do not happen in a vacuum. There is a certain chemistry with friends just as in a love relationship (A.U.: which I think about as friendship also). Therefore, contact with other people is the first building block of your friendship.
The transition from stranger to acquaintance to friend begins with attention - one of you attracts the other, or it's a mutual attraction. This happens when you share an experience. And you can not share an experience until you get out in the world with people. People equal a few friends and friends equal a tiny amount of people.
Some people have more trouble getting out there than others.
Who does have trouble getting out in the world to make friends? Shy people or people who are true loners often seek safety by staying away from people. If they don't even work with many people, they will have a hard time sharing experiences with someone who is attractive to them and vice-versa.
Elderly people or people who do not drive also have trouble getting out in most of the American world (A.U.:the World is not just America You know...). Other people are isolated by physical disabilities, by geography, by abusive relationships, etc.
New mothers are often too tired or just too busy to keep up an active and satisfying social life. Yet studies have shown new mothers are happier and more assured when they are able to meet with adults regularly, particularly other mothers.
Once you have captured the attention of another person or vice-versa, you must expand on that original attraction. This expansion includes additional contacts and conversation."

Mmm... I'm quite satisfied with the explanation, but... It is not fully true anymore! Why? Because we live - I'll bet You got it :) - yes - in time of "internet era". This means, that people don't need (at least at start) to have physical - eye-to-eye - contact to become acquaintant with another person, and believe or not, but it is even recommended to start with virtual or written form of relationship.
Why can it be so? Isn't it true that many persons don't even describe truly who they are - no true age, external traits and even sex?! Yes, yes, yes. But... Even if majority of people are lying about themself, then I tell You one thing - It is rare to have ONE true friend - You are lucky if You have. And it is very rare to have even more. So how to You think You will find the right person amongst myriade of persons and amongst many friendly persons and amongst few friends? It is Your experience, Your emotions and thoughts, what can tell You...
And believe me - I'm talking from selfexperience - it is much more openminded and much more true to have at least time to time written conversations with your best, true friends and even with friends You'll like to have as true friend. If this openness is only from Your side - believe me You can detect it from his/her letters - then it tells You also something - that that person is not (at least now) intended to become your good friend (or is too shy for this), and so You have different choices - to work and think more about-toward the person, or on other way - to forget about him/her... Both ways can hurt... But friendship always hurts. And ofcourse also gives You much more positive emotions :)
What magic about the writing? Because... because sometimes it is very exciting not only write, but also read about your and her/his emotions and thoughts and experiences. So - the first lesson is - don't hesitate to write to your very close friend! At least You can try this also - with some caution - toward casual friend who becomes, in Your thoughts, more than just casual...

So - this were my 2 cents for You today.
Have nice Autumn, and also rayni days if You like - I like :)

About Friendship and Relationships!

( God forgive me :-) - I'm not taking anything what belongs to You...)

It is very risky in these days of "virtual informative magnificence" to talk about "friendship" or "relationships" at all - if you have taken some time (what you definitely are) to "google" with these terms then you surely found a huge amount of sites where the main focus is on dating, love and sex. But not this time! Nothing at all about sex (yes - you can leave now...), not yet at least...

I'm talking about the terms more philosophically - what these actually meant to be... and what they were when there wasn't "online coupling carousel " circling yet...

What I know about this, what I know what You want to know about the topic? Answer is ... yes you got it - nothing. Why then I decided to talk about relationships and friendship at all?! Because it irritates me that nowadays friendship=love and relationships=sex. They are not! And You are better than this - You can better than this and You are definitely worth more than this!

The first thing to talk about by relationships is YOU.

You

Why You? Because now we talk about your relationships! Not virtual all over relationships between all who sit behind screen and talk what "saliva gets into mouth"! No more! We are talking about real relationships between real people - from them You are the first. Because You are the most important for yourself... Don't be afraid - You are stranger for me as You always were :-) . What about your familiarity with yourself?

But what I want to give you... - more understanding about your relationships and becoming yourself than, let me guess, You'll find in advice pages of any "psychologists" or "love doctors". They are professional counselors who mostly think about the money You will give them for visits, than about You. They mostly listen and if they speak then they speak like parents speak with their children - with authority and " huss! be quiet and relax " talk. I try not to do that...

You - who You are?

The surest thing about You - You are human :) . And You live... somewhere. And You can see, taste(?), move, feel and, most important - think. Feeling something and thinking about it gives You EMOTION - as I told you in previous post. And emotion is how You feel about the situation. So is it possible, that different people "see" one situation very differently - because of different emotions... What You feel depends in big part from what emotions You have from past - beginning from the time when you were in the uterus of your mother... And believe me - this was the most comfortable and safest place for You - never anymore have You such possibility to be in the environment where no one else has any impact for You than Your mother - because You live in the World now. You have to relate to other people-persons and You have to behave how demands from you Society. Now You are not a precious beginning in mother womb but You are You between and amongst many others. So - You must be You! And be it so that You want to be You - there is no real and last longing possibility to live someone other's life - live for yourself and be your closest friend - then it is possible to have other friendships you will like...

Friendship

A little theoretical background about making friends (my comments in braces):

" Remember, friendships do not happen in a vacuum. There is a certain chemistry with friends just as in a love relationship (A.U.: which I think about as friendship also). Therefore, contact with other people is the first building block of your friendship.

The transition from stranger to acquaintance to friend begins with attention - one of you attracts the other, or it's a mutual attraction. This happens when you share an experience. And you can not share an experience until you get out in the world with people. People equal a few friends and friends equal a tiny amount of people.
Some people have more trouble getting out there than others.
Who does have trouble getting out in the world to make friends? Shy people or people who are true loners often seek safety by staying away from people. If they don't even work with many people, they will have a hard time sharing experiences with someone who is attractive to them and vice-versa.
Elderly people or people who do not drive also have trouble getting out in most of the American world (A.U.:the World is not just America You know...). Other people are isolated by physical disabilities, by geography, by abusive relationships, etc.
New mothers are often too tired or just too busy to keep up an active and satisfying social life. Yet studies have shown new mothers are happier and more assured when they are able to meet with adults regularly, particularly other mothers.
Once you have captured the attention of another person or vice-versa, you must expand on that original attraction. This expansion includes additional contacts and conversation."

The upper paragraph was the friendship talk (mostly) You can find in other places also in web (I found it at www.cyberparent.com).

It is correct but it is... yeah - quite scientific, quite dry? Yes it is... And tells You nothing about making friends. But to be correct I'll give You links to more points about how to grow best friends (which are also from the website and "Written or compiled by Joy Stevens ":

1. People Equal Friends.
There is a certain chemistry with friends just as in a love relationship. Therefore, contact with other people is the first building block to grow a friend. Friends can't grow in a vacuum. Best friends take time.

2. Talking Is Essential Among Friends.
Talking between friends requires reciprocity. In a mutually satisfying friendship, both friends talk and both friends listen.  Friends talk appropriately to each other.

3. Friends Acknowledge Friends.
Friends acknowledge each other when talking. Many  conflicts in your personal relationships can be avoided  if you will take the time to acknowledge other's feelings and points of view.

4. Friends Listen to Friends.
Listening to friends in an important step in building a closer friendship. We often take listening for granted, never realizing what it means to really listen to a friend.

5. Friends Attend to Friends.
Friends focus during conversations. Friends pay attention in conversations. It means that your ears, your eyes, your body and your feelings are all focused on that person at the time.

6. Friends Show Empathy With Friends.
Empathy is identifying with your friend's feelings and seeing life through your friend's eyes. Confidences are freely given when they are received with empathy among friends.

7. Friends Touch Friends.
Touching is a warm form of communication between friends. When you see best friends communicating, you will notice friends "listen with their eyes," stand close together, and touch comfortably.

8.Friends Praise Friends.
Affirmation is a powerful tool for growing a friend. Genuine praise can affect your friends' lives. Be liberal with praise for all of your friends, including your casual ones.

9. Friends Are Loyal and Trustworthy.
Trust and loyalty go hand-in-hand for friends. Friends can trust you with their secrets, both large and small, because good friends never break a confidence. Good friends are forever loyal!

10. Friends are Equal.
Friends are on a seesaw. In a healthy relationship, friends are equals. Not 50/50 every time, of course, but with a true, lasting  friendship it always evens out in the end.

11. Friends Reveal Their Feelings.
We feel closest to our friends when we are suffering together, when we feel like our friend needs us, or when we feel a friend has shared something of great importance with us.

12.Friends Do Not Mind Read.
The person who thinks, "If you really liked me, you could read my mind" can not have an adult friendship. No friend can read your mind. And you can not read your friend's mind.

---

So - this was it! You can go and read about the points and get back here next time You think more philosophically about the topics of friendship or/and relationships. So do I... To the next time? Then I would more precisely focus on these "12 points of making friends" - from my point of view of course... Bye Bye!

Signs of unhealthy relationships

The previous posts were quite philosophical, that is, hard to follow. Today I'm talking about your (?) relationships... But at first I must begin with you - who are you, how do you behave and what do you think about yourself.
The first and most important thing in your every single relationship is - you. Without it there is no need to talk about relationships at all - but because you are reading this (in whatever virtual identity) then I think this point is fulfilled.
What about you? You must be you... not someone whom your partner, friend or fellow most likely wants that you are. And this means, that it is natural if you behave as you always are - there is common mistake to become someone who you never have been - just to gain interest, love and passion from someone you like very much. It's top of iceberg - you can't become someone you aren't. Yes - you can look like someone other looks, but it takes little time before all this "building" comes down with a painful crash - don't do this to others and yourself. If someone is truly interested in you (not just for short "sex period" or flirting) then it must be you not some kind of actress/actor wearing unnatural mask.
And it doesn't matter if you are not most beautiful, most sexy, most friendly, most wanted and so on... you must love yourself as you are - then is it possible also accept true and long lasting friendship...
Of course this doesn't mean that you must be simple, fool and arrogant - there is more in you than just animal. You have a big and developed brain and also huge pool of emotions in it... that to know what feelings are raising from what kind of actions.
So - the first point was about loving and taking care of yourself, before and while in a relationship.
What comes next? Partner. Of course you cant decide with one moment behaves he/she honestly or not - some kinds of "mistakes" swim up after some time of living together. But again - if he behaves like someone he is not , then there will be again misunderstandings and trouble. But it depends also from this how you like to see him/her - maybe you show him with your "likings - mislikings" what kind of partner do you like the most? But be honest - you can't change someone to be different person, as also yourself.
So second point - respect individuality, embrace differences, and allow the other person to be him-/herself.
That's it for the post.
Take care!

Emotions - To have or not to have?

So - let's make some more reading :)

Today I'm intended to talk about you! Weird idea? Because I don't know anything about you... Or your relationships... At first glance it may be, but if to think logically - why not accept myself as you, despite of gender. Is it possible at all? I think it is... in some part at least... OK - let's discuss it a little bit more...

What is most important feature of a human being - be it baby, man-woman, grandpa-grandma? If you want to agree with me - EMOTIONS. Yes-yes also for animals (as we also are)... But because human brain is enormously larger, more important -more structurized - so also our emotional capabilities and emotional memory. For animals this creates so called reflexes, for human beings emotions create a huge and rich pool of emotions some part of which creates the way we all behave. Yes- it sounds too complicated but it is so - we are also complicated. Why I'm telling this to you? To you to understand, that there is not one and single way to become happier, to become more acceptable as friend and to become loved by someone whom you love. And know what? The most important physical feature of a human in regard of sympathy are what? Your eyes! because there is a "highway" between your emotions-feelings and your eyes. You can somewhat change what your eyes are reflecting by way of forcing your brain to think about some feelings (it is more correct to say - to remember some of your past feeling) and so to mirror your emotion about the feeling. Call it - DREAMING.
There is only a big question - have you such feeling in your memory?...

OK - so be it... Enough for the post - I would like to continue about this next time when I have more time. But - don't forget think about this - about yourself. Be happy!

The first post

It is quite a time when i've posted something in internet. OK - I do now.

Unhealthy Relationships?

Why? Whom? What about?
Because I suppose I've knowledge about the topic "Man & his Family - how to be happier & loved" and also "How to find and hold your best friend". Too bold? Ok - We all know what becomes of personal life - not enough time, energy, knowledge and so on for the best you already have - your family. Or not enough energy to be and talk with your friend. Don't agree? OK - then you can freely leave the blog ... but beforehand bookmark it for "your bad times". Anyway -you can't lose anything continuing with reading - perhaps gaining something new about your thinking? At least activating your thoughts about the topic... A little remark - English isn't my mother language (nor father) so don't hesitate to ask if something feels strange writing.

So the audience? Who likes think wide, who likes to have wealthy relationships, who understands that not all in life becomes easy, who suffers from negative thinking, who likes to become more involved with relationships in his/her family (yes - women as families mainstays are most welcome to write about the topic).

About what? About your relationships with your wife/husband, about your feelings and preferences, about your suspicions and misunderstandings. Nothing more - nothing less. Of course - you can post anonymously, but if you prefer personal attention, then you must pm or email to me. At very least read about what I suggest here.
And what I will suggest? Different links to different web pages - so that you haven't to search&read them yourself - actually you just (I bet) haven't such time to do it, and better yet - I'll post only links which I think are telling you something interesting, not just blah-blah talk. And as you may guess - it takes time to become familiar with these sites - also from me- so don't be too urgent about obtaining "all& now" from this site - anyway I wish you long and prosperous life :)

So be it!
For the introduction - I think - it is enough.
For next comings!
Andrew