Talking is essential between friends - discussion

Talking is essential between friends - discussion

So – lets go forward... Actually – I'm going forward... in hope that you can follow someday, somewhere :)

The next topic from cyberparent.com :

2)

Talking Is Essential Among Friends.

Friends equal talk.

Talking is an integral component of friendship. In any friendship, some talking is merely one person reciting his/her self- centered problems. However, talking between friends requires reciprocity. In a mutually satisfying friendship, both friends talk and both friends listen, usually to an equal degree.

When a friend talks and reveals ideas or feelings, he/she is expecting shared information in return. When the talk is not equal, the friend talking feels as if the listener is uninterested. In fact, the friend who is always the listener is really playing the role of a counselor, not that of friend. Anytime you have been talking for more than a minute or two without participation from the person you are talking to, you are lecturing, bossing, or putting your friend in the role of a counselor.

People talk for many reasons. And people don't talk for just as many reasons.

Why Talk?

People talk to extend themselves to another, to accept responsibility for the growth of the relationship, and to share ideas or feelings with someone else. Good, rich conversation is always available for friends and lovers.

Why Not Talk?

People don't talk for a variety of reasons. One person may be shy. Another may not know what to say in a particular situation such as the death of a relative. The timing may be off. A night owl may seldom talk in the morning. A friend reacting to stress may be temporarily mute. Non-talking can be used as a defense, as manipulation of another, or even as punishment. And last, but not least, talking can be a lot of work. But friendship is a lot of work as is anything worth having.

How to Talk.

Be excited. People who talk enthusiastically and with vocal animation are listened to more often by everyone.

Be Sensitive.

Be sensitive to the needs of your friend. Diffuse defensiveness by using "I" statements rather than "you" statements. Saying "I feel upset when I have to wait," is less threatening than saying "You're always late".

And when friends talk to you, show gratitude for their confidences. "Thank you for sharing that with me" is the language of friends.

Friends Talk Appropriately.

Make certain your subject is appropriate to the situation. For example, you would not disclose your exciting new promotion while your friend was telling you about her mother's terminal illness.

Other situations are not so easily read, however. Karen Blaker, Ph.D., can help you decide about appropriateness. In her book Intimate Secrets, she gives nine basic reasons to reveal a secret. They are:

* To feel connected.

* To get it off your chest.

* To be true to yourself.

* To achieve reciprocity.

* To prevent discovery.

* To spread the good word.

* To cry for help.

* To show you are in the know.

* To get revenge.

Before engaging in a confidence with a friend, compare your reason(s) with the above nine. If you are uncomfortable with your reason, your disclosure is probably inappropriate.

If your reason for confidence is for revenge or to gain power with privileged information, it is best to maintain secrecy. If telling your secret achieves intimacy, help, or change, your confidence is constructive according to Blaker.

On the other hand, repeatedly "dumping" on someone is not confiding. The person who constantly brings every conversation back to his/her troubles is actually acting selfishly. This selfishness puts a strain on the relationship and may eventually destroy it.

We all know "yes-but" people. Anytime you are getting an abundance of "yes-buts" from your friend, you are probably trying to problem solve when all he/she wants is an attentive ear.“

A.U. Discussing:

OK – this was the quote... It seems to me little bit of „manipulation“ if to use such way of thinking as described here – despite of the fact, that it's useful to know such things by relationships... The first advice is – you can be good friend only if you are good friend! That means, that you are not using your knowledge and skills to be clever and smart with your friend – you must be equal not superior. At least by means of behavior and conversation.

Let's use the knowledge from the text above – analyzing it...

1)

“ both friends talk and both friends listen, usually to an equal degree”

A.U. : - well... I think it's merely can be so “equal”, because different persons have different behavioral and conversational needs and skills. So it is true that there is need of talking and listening between good friends, but the equality rule is not so correct... to justify over friendship.

“ When the talk is not equal, the friend talking feels as if the listener is uninterested”

A.U. : - so I'm not so convinced about the statement – if by equality to read “count of words” or “amount of talk” :) It is always, that one is better listener than talker and vice versa. But anyway – you must be “a big ear” and with your minds by your friend and his/her talk – to hold conversation. And remark from previous post – it can become clear, that even if someone is not much of talker, he/she reveals by writing that is very good and emotional writer :). Don't miss the possibility!

2)

”...talking can be a lot of work. But friendship is a lot of work as is anything worth having.

”

A.U. :Talking is a lot of work – as is thinking. Especially to talk honestly and with right words and with right emotional power. It's strange, that it is always stated that it needs hard work and lot of it, if there is something you want to have... Actually – it can be different... True friendship is like self mixing of two liquids – there can be friendship between two similar as also two different persons. And friendship grows like a plant – from little seed to big and strong... Of course – it needs nutrition, but this must be natural not artificial – if it is true friendship and if the persons are honest and true and respect each other...

3)

“How to talk – be excited”

A.U. :Well... this is also somewhat strange suggestion. Does it mean, that there must be always some kind of acting-play between friends? Some kind of unnatural behaving what is not natural to you? Especially if you are gentle and balanced? So this suggestion is so and so. Be yourself – your friend knows who and how you are and he/she accepts it. Of course – if you are flames and sparkle then it's natural to you to be always excited and emotional :) so be it!

4)

“Be sensitive to the needs of your friend”

A.U. :And accept that he/she is sensitive to your needs – this is two-way path. It is not that you or your friend must alone “be sensitive to the other's needs” - you both must. If one reveals this need to other of course... This can be a big difference – don't become “sensitive” who thinks that he/she reads other's mind and acts accordingly – you must wait if your friends wants that you knows what he/she needs... from you.

5)

“reasons to reveal a secret...”

A.U. :Actually there is no comparing why and how you reveal a secret to your friend, as is also true to any other person. Secret is something what nobody, except you, can tell you that you must reveal and to whom. Sometimes it is, that some secrets are better to be and stay in your mind... If there is a phrase “there is no secrets between friends”, then we can think about this differently. If the secret is somehow linked to your friend or if you think he/she is confident to become to know about it – why not. But if you think, that the secret can be frustrating or irrelevant or somewhat strange to your friend, then why to bother him/her? OK – to get it off your chest. But is your friends mind some kind of garbage can?

So... These were my thoughts about “Talking is essential between friends”

And one more thing – from following my previous post – don't forget about writing! Same applies to it... Be cool!

Andrew.